The Reason Why I'm Socially Awkward Is Because You're A Moron 私はエモだ
by SelMelvins
Summary: In another universe, weaboo Blaze D'catt is your paratypical loser otaku kitten with too much failed ambition who plans to use her sadistic Neo Chao to win the Neo-Chao Olympiad and give meaning to her pathetic life. And then a dimensional warp opens, AU meets Canon, and stupid crap happens. No one gives a cookie about that either. #EnuffWithTheHashTags これを読むことになっていません!
1. Eurobeat Bombed

"_Phantom waffle?!" The Blaze D'catt Series_

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私が社会的に厄介な理由はあなたが痴者であるからです!

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In a totally different world, at a certain place, at a certain time, this, like, really happened! Here we are, stuck with our good friend, Blaze D'catt, a lavender cat who happens to also be known as Blaze the Cat. How is she doing you may ask?

Go grow a pair. Of Chao. That's right. Chao. The cute and comical artificial life forms commonly seen in the Sonic games. Let's just forget you read that and pretend that you're reading this story. Because you are. /obvious fact.

Blaze the Cat winds her arms, stretching and stretching more. Her mind races as she tests her knowledge of this game. This is gonna be _beast. _This is gonna. Be. _Beast. _The bleep is going down soon. There's no way she can lose. No way. Blaze has been getting ready for this day for _**minutes**_. It was the day of the NCO at the Sega After Expo. Winner gets a hundred thousand golden rings and an authentic golden Chao egg. But to understand why this normal pyro-cat wants to enter a Chao tournament, we must rewind...

"If only I could find my purpose in life. What is it that I'm meant to do?" Blaze was sitting on a step outside of another hotel, thinking about what to do as grey nothings passed her by. "I know! Baseball! No...I'd hit myself more than the ball. Track? Not a good option. At all... Gymnastics? Hmm...no way. I'm more of a 'gymnasty' that a gymnast." Blaze keeps contemplating on what to do. Finally, it comes to her...

"Check out the rack on this tool!" some hipster giggles from afar. Blaze hears his words and they give her the reason to live.

"It's my light in the dark...My saviour in hopelessness...My messiah from despair... _I am to become the world's greatest chaofighter!_" Blaze stands up and holds her fist to the sky. How the living hell Blaze got that from...

"Who are you?" asks some random guy walking by, just so fascinated with this cat with schizoid personality disorder.

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そのエモとのいくらかのフライドチキンはいかがでしょうか。

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_Shhwwwaaaa! _A conveniently flashy commercial conveniently flashes at this very moment quite conveniently. You don't know what NCO means?** _It's NeoChao Oylmpiad, you moron._**

"You tired of your bland ol' normal Chao? Fret not, denizen of our planet. Cutting edge bioscience has unleashed the forces of evolution among, transforming once dull and listless Chao into the Neo-Chao of tomorrow! Unlike the classic Chao, Neo Chao are still cute and comical, and still come in an endless variety of colours, but they are better than the old Chao. Neo Chao now possess some familiar powers- and everybody wants Neo Chao over classic Chao! But don't take my word for it- listen to these valued cust—" Switch.

"_Hey, I was watching that!_" The shop owner chases Blaze away with a broom.

**Blaze, in fact, has her own Neo Chao.**

"_Ahhhhh!_" Blaze crashes through several dozen panes of glass at the sheer sight of a spark flashing in front of her face.

"Look at the pwetty wittle princess!" some bully mocks.

"Don't call me that, princesses _suck!_ Looking all pampered and cute n' stuff, living in oversized castles..." is what Blaze would have said had she not been being abused by her neo-Chao, for her Chao is sadistic with fire. "Phoenix, please stop!"

But Phoenix likes to burn things. Blaze is scared of fire. The fat, meaty fist of the bully blasts into her face. That is why you saw Blaze with a blackened eye earlier. Phoenix jumps onto her chest and summons down bolts of fire at her master. All we hear now is endless screaming. That is why Blaze was so sooty earlier.

Because this Blaze may have wildly miswired neurons, synapses, she somehow takes her own immolation as life-changing inspiration.

"I know! I'll enter the ChaoBattle Olympiad! That's the only way! But...I don't know how to Chaofight. Oh well, I guess I'll have to practice." Again, how the living hell she put seven and ninety-pie together and got four, I will assume I should not ask.

Receiving medical attention for her mortal burn wounds obviously out of the question, Blaze realized that if she wanted a chance of winning, she had to practice. Not that Phoenix was bad- Phoenix very well could be the new Kyrinnawstaw- but Blaze has such ugly-ass poor knowledge of the art at large, there is no guarantee she even knows what the hell what a 'ChaoBattle' is. Nor does she know Phoenix has stats. Or what stats are.

Down the street, she enters her disgustingly urban middle-class home and grabs Phoenix, who has resting in a fire-bed for hours. That's right. A fire-bed. A bed. Of fire. And of course, Blaze was all hesitant to pick up Phoenix. What with the pyrokinetic's pyrophobia and all. Insert cute smiley if you will, reader.

All Phoenix can do is—

"Chao...chao!" in annoyance of being woken up by someone who's too scared to even look at fire. Phoenix flashes a fireball at Blaze, who was permanently attached to the ceiling nanoseconds before.

"Bad Phoenix! Bad girl!" Phoenix looks up at Blaze with a mad look. With... 'with a mad look?' Is that the best we could do? Man, we've been getting cheap. So cheap.  
Standing erect and eyes more slanted than Mount Everest's slope, she charges for Blaze with the cutest little flames! Blaze jumps through the window, gettin' cut by the radical glass on her way down, a two story fall. Before liquefying her bones on the pavement, she already sustained life-threatening wounds.  
Why you have not questioned how Phoenix went from abusing Blaze to having spent hours sleeping in a bed of fire, all in the same course of five minutes, is a testament to your withered attention span and queer eye for lack-a-do attempts at decent prose, interest...

After a few more painful attempts at getting Phoenix, Blaze succeeds overwhelmingly by offering her a fried chicken leg.

"Did somebody say fried chicken?" Out of nowhere, Sonic walks into a crossing with his own rabbit styled Chao, Lucky. Unexpectedly unnerving.

"Hey, you, the hedgehog! Wanna chaofight?" Blaze asks with a strong smile.

"Sorry, I need fried chicken! You know, fried chicken? I'm going to pick up some now." Sonic looks off into the baseball field behind them. "You know, you probably don't care, but fried chicken is like mah favourite food _ever._ Then I'm heading for the After Expo to chaofight like mad!"

"Oh, that's too bad. I was just going to practice. Oh well. See you later." Blaze begins to walk away. Sonic stumbles a bit.

"Hold up! Maybe we can play...a little." He speaks these fake words with false inattention, as if pretending to not care. His eyes and crossed fingers suggest hardcores pride and schadenfreudistic demand to crush our feline friend, to wipe her across a parking lot and kick her right to the sky and back to the ground again.

"But didn't you want your precious fried chicken?"

"Ah, that can wait. Game on?"

"Uh...G-game...on?" Blaze, remember, does not know a damn-ass thing about chaofighting. At this moment, Sonic throws Lucky down, and the neo-Chao lands on his feet. Lucky then takes this moment to punch Sonic in the gut and pull from him a plasma electric guitar. Blaze lets Phoenix down as if setting a puppy to the ground. Sonic, once he stands, bursts out in a guffaw, nearly spitting up.

"That's the worst throw-down I've ever seen, girl!" Sonic and his Neo Chao high five with pride.

Blaze is not pleased with this mockery, and, as she's chased around a tree by Phoenix, cries, "Hey, this is my first time!"

"_**Ever?!**_" Sonic's mouth nearly falls off his muzzle.

"Yeah! And I'm going to win!" Oh, the suspense!

And oh, how Sonic scoffs. "How can you win if you don't even know how to play?"

"Uh...By luck?" Blaze thinks of some way to use Phoenix. "Phoenix! F-fire attack!" Phoenix, with possibly _the_ most utterly bored look in the history of modern media, a boredom never to be equaled, falls to the side, sitting down. Completely. Un. Interested. "Phoenix? Listen to me! I am your master! Your creator! Your mother!" Phoenix, still lopsided sideways, blows fire at Blaze in a huge fireball. Blaze shrieks in total terror and runs away. She trips over a trash can, spilling garbage into the street. While this was happening, Sonic and Lucky looked on in awe. A hipster-clad passer-by kicks her face.

"Wow, that's ... sad," remarks Sonic. "Well, I've gotta get me some fried chicken!" An anthro chicken just happens to walk by!

"Great idea, brohan. I need some fried chicken too!" And the chicken runs off, following Sonic. Last I heard, they became best friends.

Anyway, Blaze was all unconscious and whatnot when Phoenix groggily walks by and sits on her back. Blaze wasn't waking up. Some dude stops and kicks Blaze for ruining his super-new super-expensive business suit. Still doesn't wake up. Phoenix yawns, then, in the cutest possible way, burps a small ember. Blaze hits a brick wall at super sonic speeds, her heart nearly out of her chest. Then she realizes what happened and folds her arms in disdain.

"Well that was a nice one." Blaze thinks to herself - ('ChaoBattle, your world is a mysterious one.') Then someone scares Blaze by saying "Hi!" to her from behind with no warning. "Oh, hi! Hey, do you want to chaofight with me?"

"Me? Oh, no. I don't really play. I don't even know how to," replies Amy. "Besides, I'm not really supposed to play with strangers."

"Oh. Well that's too bad."

"But, I do have a Neo-Chao, and his stats are pretty good..."

('Stats? What's this girl talking about?')

"Great! Then can we chaofight now?"

"Sure! If I win, do I get a ring?"

"Uh...what?"

"Rings? You know? Those things that help your Neo Chao level up, become stronger, and stuff?"

"Uh...O-kay?" Blaze wasn't even sure she had any of these 'rings'. ('This girl's a loon...Then again, she does seem to know more about ChaoBattle than I do.')

"OK, Game On!" shouts Amy.

"Y-yeah, Game On!" replies Blaze. Amy pulls out Mrs. J, her highly feminine..._male_...Neo-Chao. Mrs. J rubs his hand across Amy's face, and from this rub great streaks of flowers fly out from hammerspace. All these flowers circle around Mrs. J, and he uses this garish new aura to ascend to the next level: he gains high heels! Blaze tries to throw down Phoenix, but realizes something...

"H-hey! Where did Phoenix go?!" She frantically smashes every atom near her looking for the traitor. And the villain is nowhere to be seen, leaving this one high and dry.

"Did your Chao abandon you? Too bad. I guess I win." This gives Amy the chance to do her victorious pose, an extreme stance, one where she gives Blaze a thumb up with a wink.

"Ahg! 2 losses in one day thanks to that fool... And both within seconds!"

"Hmm... Maybe I should sign up for the Neo Chao Olympiad! Who knows. Maybe I'll actually win!"

"No!" she cries as she tugs the hair off of her head.

"Bye, whoever you are!" finishes Amy with a wink. She and her Neo Chao skip off. Blaze sulks. It is a legendary sulk whose sheer mulling sulkness has never before been seen.  
"Perhaps I should be a little more withdrawn rather than taking on any person on the street..." Is this character development? "Nah, being withdrawn is for full-of-fail losers." No. It is bad writing being handwaved by being called out as bad writing.

_'I've got to find Phoenix, escape from her again, and actually try to win for once!'_ And in the blink of an eye, a fireball shoots for Blaze, who ducks and screams like a little girl. People from everyone stop and stare at the psycho cat. Phoenix also stops and stares in what may be chao pity. Yeah, Blaze is a little more than 'pathetic' in this dimension. Did we say she's so scared of fire, she doesn't even know if she's a pyrokinetic anymore?

"Oh...P-P..Phoenix! Hahaha...Er...Um...Sorry, everybody! Just a little scare!" Blaze begins to walk off with Phoenix when she stops for a second and backs up.

"Oh, wait! Any one want to chaofight? Anyone?" Everyone stares at her. Some one "coughs", but for some reason, the cough sounds like "Fail."

Elsewhere, Blaze and Phoenix make a highly possibly short lived pact.

"Phoenix! Please! Just try to help me win for once! Please! I'll do anything!" Blaze gets kicked in the face, but Phoenix says in the best way a chao can that she agrees.

"CHAO!" As Phoenix chirps, she demands that Blaze "flash da cash". So, Blaze, in accordance to the whacked out universe, sucks. Real bad. In fact, she may be doomed.

**And that cat has turned to smoke.**

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I will smash you with your left shoe if you don't review.


	2. 私はエモかもしれません。しかし、彼女は邪悪です I Think I'm Emo

Phoenix lays down, going to sleep. Needs some Z's on Blaze's collection of Dragon Ball Z and Neko Majin Z.

"Phoenix! NO! GET UP!" Blaze is now frantic. That is frantic behavior, the mile-per-nanosecond motions, the mile wide eyes, the mile-long swath of hair she pulled from her head. Phoenix snores with a bubble hanging out of where a chao's nose would be. "PHOENIX!" Phoenix is rudely awoken. She decides to do something rude to Blaze D'catt in return. "P-phoenix? What are you doing? Where are you walking to?" To that red line that was surrounding the battle. "Phoenix, I don't like the way you're walking to that line...And I really don't want to know what that line is for...Vector, what is that line for?"

Hector the Vector, a camp crocodile with headphones and whose Neo Chao has a Magnifying Glass gamma ray laser cannon, replies, "That? Oh, that's just the Battle Limits, friend. If a Neo Chao goes beyond it, it is automatically disqualified from battle." With this, Blaze squeals. Tears begin rushing from her eyes as she tries ducking Phoenix, jacking her with bribes, kissing at her cute wittle feety-weety.

"Phoenix, ol' buddy, ol' pal, how are you today?! Do you like money?! You _do_ like money, do you!? If you stop trying to play me like your sadism toy, I'll give you all the money you want! D-don't worry! My allowance is, like what, 15 pounds?! Yeah! I'll give you 15 pounds every week! Please, just don't lose this match!" Has Blaze even discovered what her Neo Chao's essence? Well no, Phoenix hasn't pulled anything from Blaze except loads of money and her dignity.  
Phoenix slows down to a stop. With a sullen mull, she considers this...then turns around, pops Blaze in the face, threatens her with a fiery punch in the gut, —and a raspberry to the face... and agrees! Blaze struggles to stand up after being abused by her own 'pet' —a bad case of Master-Abuse— but manages to stand up and regain her dignity. Still, she does not know diddly-squat about ChaoBattle. So whatever happens next is by luck. Utter luck. Not skill.

Luck.

Blaze commands Phoenix to strike Hector the Vector's chao. Again, Phoenix considers action. Then she runs towards Blaze.

"What are you..." Aha! It is the Essence Sync! Blaze readies herself for the moment and opens herself for Phoenix. The Neo Chao kicks her in the shin, runs out of the Battle Limits to pick up a hundred dollar bill, and walks off with a pimp swagger. Blaze moans and groans as she feels her left leg snap, crackle, and pop in bizarre places while also being forced to watch Hector the Vector and his chao, The Magic Chaos Trigger, high five.  
"With the battle conditions met, I now have full reign to refashion you in my image!" Vector walks over to injured kitten and begins his mortifying act.

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[MINATOWN]

[9:00 AM]

Minatown is the city she lives in, you melon flavored jackrabbit! And this is when Blaze D'catt turns to her frien...  
Well. We tried. W-w-we really did. I mean, _really_ did try. 自分のために「楽しい」ものを買うために、彼女は店へ歩きます。  
角製の猫のためのオタク材料。But the store was out of what she was looking for, and she reverted to spending over ₤150 on old copies of エンジェルビーツ! and ストライク・ザ・ブラッド and discussing the pathetic points of that tired thing she tried to call a life online.

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lolbodysnatcher: I'm bak pplz & I jst bought an ice cream frm KojiKida! **9:02 AM**

lolbodysnatcher: wher r u holes?! **9:12 AM**

SputnikEXE: лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер лузер **9:13 AM**

lolbodysnatcher: loltroll **9:15 AM**

sayomi985: u r such a loser **9:15 AM**

lolbodysnatcher: i know... **9:16 AM**

tzatzikibongwater: Youre a loser too. **9:18 AM**

sayomi985: not as much as lolbodysnatcher. i hrd she trolls the sega forums.** 9:20 AM**

tzatzikibongwater: Whats funny is that were the only ones friends to her. **9:21 AM**

lolbodysnatcher: i can alwez ount on u w XD! **9:22 AM**

tzatzikibongwater: I dont even know what youre saying anymore. Defriend. **9:23 AM**

tzatzikibongwater has left the Chat Room

sayomi985: defrend **9:24 AM**

sayomi985 has left the Chat Room

lolbodysnatcher: screw u i hav ice cream! **9:24 AM**

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These heavyset eyes, who do they belong to? But they've seen much, and they want to cry. Oh, and that ice cream? Long since eaten. Oh well, back to the usual. Training for ChaoBattle! Chaofighting? ChaoBattle or... Don't bother worrying. Blaze D'catt'll just have to suffer.

'Twas 9:52 AM when Blaze finds Phoenix and, for her efforts, earns a pimp slap. Phoenix rushes off while her master is disoriented. Though she doesn't have any shock collars, for Blaze D'catt is a raging libertard and is against animal cruelty, Phoenix does feel badly that she didn't terrorize Blaze enough and returns, to which Blaze is beaten for having manga. She didn't have money before, where'd she get this?  
_After a few successful negotiations_, Phoenix agrees to work with D'catt if and only if the deal gives her ₤150 _a day_, an amount D'catt doesn't own due to spending that same amount on manga, as well as a deal in which Blaze would work for Phoenix for no pay, as well as actually _paying Phoenix_ 300 big ones every day. Blaze also must throw in an extra ₤_1,000 _every time Phoenix relieves herself. At 10:02 AM, Phoenix goads Blaze into bringing her into the drug store, one where there's a sale on many items, but what's not one of those items is Prune Juice. In fact, prune juice has been hiked in price by 300% due to a shortage, but this is what Phoenix slaps Blaze into convincing her to buy.  
It's closed. Something about a phantom killing the clerk. There was a katana left behind, and Blaze wanted to see it, but what good would Phoenix feel if Blaze were to have fun with something?  
Nevertheless, this is one complicated Chao.

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Once these deeds have been done and become fait accompli, Blaze lets Phoenix piggyback her to the library. It's a Roman library with Corinthian pillars and a gothic template for ambiance. Yet they are not here to enjoy to atmosphere.

Blaze+Library=Info on Neo Chao and Chaofighting. As easy as 2+2=4. But an increasing number of people are unable to do this math problem, so apparently it's not as simple as once believed. She immediately attempts a walk-in, run-out for something on this arcane artform. Phoenix forces her out before entering because Phoenix "somehow" walked into a pile of dog _wastes_ and will not take another step until her kawaii coochy-coo cute high heels are clean.  
_Licked clean._

The onlooking, disdainful librarian alphabetizes the books and shuffles her boobs and prepares to help this basket case. In her fingers is one 'The Satanic Guide To Chaofighting.' But she is not a Satanist and thus has no use for the book because she'd rather not spread Satanism. At least, not this early in the morning, not before she's had her kippers and chips. Instead, she grabs 'The Black Magic Guide to Chaofighting, With 500% More Occultism."

This is a Witch Library, and the librarian is none other than Rouge the Bat. And her aid is Mecha Sonic. And this is a Witch Library.

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I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore either. This is just a release for my 1st world problems.


End file.
